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greeets
i am done with this self searching. Trying to find out who I am. the world changes everyday. it hates it loves. My views are scewed im confused. With this foolish endevour. An attempt at finding out who i am, I fail. And where others fail others succeed. cough Tyler Carriere cough cough. Although we conversed briefly, I believe he gave me answers I needed to move forward, in my faith. It is my faith that holds me together. I have always been content with who i am, and with what God continues to do with/in my life. Without out it, i think I would be completely lost. i don't want you to mix up my contentment with complacency. So i dug up some scripture. This is written by the apostle Paul: "For I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content: I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. This is an example of the content I feel.
It wasn't the questions i asked directly, that yes Tyler did answer.ha crazy analogies. It was the confidence in his voice, and namely the purpose, in-directly. I cant put my finger on it.But I knew he had a deep understanding what God wanted in his life, and a great relationship with Jesus! And seeing that in him,something just clicked. At some point i became impatient. i wanted to know myself better, and thought certain friends could give me a faster idea of who i was.
i sometimes chase the idea of wanting to have (insert quality you dont have here.) This would only push me farther away, from finding out who I am. the world continues to turn. i continue to stumble with humane thoughts in wanting to change the world somehow. i want to be somebody, somebody who breaks you wide open. ...B/C not knowing you, the one who seems to be almost as complicated as me...Tears me up inside i want to make you ask the questions that some ppl just don't even realize. Or the people like me are to cowardly to ask. Relationships/friendships are probably the best thing God has given us. you know besides that cross thing.. Over the years being a christian i feel and know, i didn't correctly prioritize my relationships. although i knew the order it prob shoulda been in; Relationship with christ, family, church and friends. Scratch that i don't even know if there should be any order.. Well its the way it started with me, but, somewhere down the line got mixed up. My relationships with Christ weakened, and my friendships grew stronger. It almost worked for a while...being with
christian friends all the time, learning from there personal walks with Christ, problems, etc. Having bible studies learning from other ppl questions. I got lost..I had no desire to ask my own questions. no desire to search Christ out for myself. I have become empty, and detached. Something i have realized is how valuable friendships are. How in any moments good or bad you can learn a little about who you are. I have become so daff to wanting to know who i am. That i thought too much about my ACTIONS. who the people i know, EXPECT me to be/REACT. I feel i have become molded. With all this time of self searching, i have become hardened. In this state
i grew confused, became an outcast. It was hard to understand anything really. i barely knew how to talk, or act. and...i still dont haha ha. I know there is no greater hand then God beeing able to touch your life. So i think it is important in our christian walk, to want to ask God to continually to mold who you are. Ask him everyday. Everyday is different, it hates it loves. My journey to finding out who i am is going to be slow, yes. The thing is, i am just going to have to accept that. I will not lower my expectations, but will look forward to even harder hardships ahead! It is in these hardships. This journey in finding Christ again.. That Will make me the man I have always wanted to be.
http://www.pottershandhomeschool.com/potter.jpg
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|  We are all copycats
what is new?? "there is nothing new under the sun" This can be read many times throughout ecclesiastes. We all seem to follow some trend, some style, or stereo-type. On the bus I look around shylessly and begin to notice these things. The guy accross from me clenching his binder, he is deaf on the nerdy side. It's his brand framed glasses that throw me way off. His binder I can only guess is filled with some sort of chemistry/biology stuff, or maybe even algerbra who knows. There's a buisness guy who looks like he shouldn't even be on the bus. What is that all about? His silver plated watch, leather brief case, with an expensive suit to top it off. Some girl lost in her book. Wait she's not lost..shes only on the first chapter... Are these ppl just copying some stereo type? Or are these actual ppl just being themselfs? I can't tell anymore...everyone seems to follow someone elses trend. I have done it.. but i pretend to ~think~ I add something new. But really it has always been there. I will never really start some new trend will I? Heck I'm the one tunned in, the one that has his headphones jammed so far into ears, it almost says DONT TAlK to ME. I truly want to know though... Is the nerd with the brand name frames smart?? is his binder filled with chemistry/biology. did he buy those frames because he felt he had too? the buisness guy on the bus..was he trying to prove something, or did he crash his benz.. The girl reading. Or was she reading? the pages seemed to flip no faster then the drowsy tired guy hunched over opening his eyes every five minutes. I don't really understand why she was reading.. Or at least pretending to. I've tried it before...there are way too many distractions for me. Plus I only get a good 20min read anyways. so what's the point? it sucks really I know we all do this. We try and fit, or try some stereo type, try and follow some trend. Oh we do add things...we try and stand out. We try and buy the newest ipod, phone, shoes, unique forign shirt, or find that great band nobodies heard of. Its nothing new though. Its already been done before. I have tried (or want to try) all these stereo types. But there's a fear of losing myself? Not being comfortable with who iam. What if I want to be apart of all of them? I want to feel smart like that nerdy guy, I want to hold an image of that buisness guy who seems to hold a great deal of importance, I want to get lost in a book. we can't do that though can we? The scrawny nerdy guy has to play his smarts, jocks have to be into sports etc. It prob sounds like I'm not happy or pleased with who I am. This is not true though. I guess im just scared of being labeled? to point out we all try and fit some trend. We are all copycats. haha so which is the you? cat or cats | | |
| ~Day to Day~ Im tired of living day to day in my simplicity. I rush into Sin everyday. Everyday I don't awake and think, my God my God are you real? It's everynight I put my hand to my chest just to feel my heart beat...Yes I am alive...I find comfort in it, because my heart calls aloud I am yours! My heart is blameless, but my mind is numb. Although i can feel the beating passions of my heart. My mind is divided and ensnared of this world. The worls of sin, jelousy, pride, disobedience, and pleasures. The world invites me mockingly.. I'm tired of how our society is so commited to giving us bribes. (I have forgoten...Forgoten the commands you have givin me plain to see, re-new my mind) 
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|  I had another suspended moment in time on Fri. A suspended moment in time for me, is a "take me back." A moment where I take a step back from the world. Taking the bus usually does the job for me. Im usually able to engage in conversation with a complete stranger. really.. sometimes on the most mundane topics. As I was walking to the bus stop to hop a bus home, I figured why not walk home? Whats really stopping me?For starters not having an mp3 was lame. Knowing nobody crazy enough to walk home with me was even lamerrr. having a 4hour conversation with myself. Lamest. Think im insane? yet..haha wait. Now you ask yourself "who am I." "Where do I see myself in 5 years." "what job should I seek to make an extra buck, while im in school." "what the mommas apples is stopping from dating that girl.." Some of the questions, and i say questions, it should really be "conversations," that we ask/say to ourselfs. We are an insane ppl. talking to ourselfs. I just thought of the quote "talking to yourself is the first sign of madness." Is it? I don't think so. ANYWAYS just a thought to make an insane world a little more sane. I think talking to yourself, can deaf make you more aware who you are. Im not saying this is a healthy thing to do. Im not saying let us all talk to ourselfs more often. We have all seen (I think anyways) someone talking to themselfs... Havent we? On my walk I encountered a man, who I had thought was talking on the phone. It turned out he was just happly talking to himself... I didn't hesitate to think wow..something is wrong with that guy. Having that long walk home..and now writing this..are we really that conditioned? This guy was in fact no diff from me..He was just being more verbal about his thoughts thats all. I think deep down I envied the guy, being able to voice his thoughts. What a sureal freedom that must felt like..the manifesting of his thoughts being spoken out for others to hear. Not even caring. I can only compose thoughts and write them into words..I feel often enough that we dont voice our thoughts as often as we should.
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|  ZZzzZzzzzperfect what??
what does it take to be perfect? as a christian? Most of us have come to be yet again, too comfortable living in our sins. Hey we cant run and hide from the world to get away. We cant gouge out our eyes, or cover our ears. Its a sin filled world, people sin everyday. We have to confront it. We see sin. We hear Sin. We speak sin. Sin is our past, present and future. We have to resolve it somehow!! So what does today hold for you knowing that you will in fact sin? Disappointment, hopelessness, despair, confusion, temporary contentment, anger, blah blah blah. "nobody is perfect" Thats what got me thinking about this imperfection we all have. It is in this mind set, that we must change. If you and I see ourselfs as imperfect, and say "well nobody is perfect" we are just throwing our actions for our blame on the next sinner. We need to take responsibility for ourselves/actions. We cant say to ourselfs "well nobody is perfect." Your not really justifying your actions, are you. So do it!! be perfect. I am. at least.... on a norm of 8 hours a day. | | |
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